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I was talking with Ceci today on MSN about how difficult it is to find a job nowadays in mainland China, given that students could hardly find jobs as the market is almost full and the college graduates are rushing into the market. Suddenly I told her I feel anxious about this too. She said, how come, you are studying in BD. I told her even so, I am still not top of the school. I am just an average Beida-er, though trying hard, but still fail to get to the top.
She said "how come? I thought you are still the top at school".
Well, surely I disappoint her. Not only her, but a lot more people, including myself. I have been feeling down ever since entering Beida. The school is charming, indeed, with elite students, profs, frontline scholars, and various opportunities which other students in an average university could never get. However, the price of this is you have a lot more stronger competitors competing with you all the time. And for people not strong enough, nor smart enough like me, are the losers.
There were a lot of "I don't believe" before I came to Beida but now I believe in all of them. There are people who seldom learns but always get decent marks in exams, and there are girls who watch TV episodes every day for at least three hours however still perform dedicately in Japanese listening, should I expected this earlier, at least I would feel more comfortable now. Though they are small potatoes when talking artistic or humanity or social science with me, however it is school, I could never beat them in front of tests, though I really really tried. And different from high school, I am much more engaged in learning, almost giving up all my extracurricular interests, but soly concentrated in Japanese, and various readings in sociology, I could still hardly get satisfying grades in Japanese courses.
I had talked with mom and dad that I am hardly as good as before in university, their answers are "as long as you've tried". I know there maybe access to better GPAs had I took easier courses, went for less lectures, and gave up my NGO works but go for easier circles in uni. However I don't want to miss them all and has been considering they should be part of my memory. Among the took challenging courses- Yale course last semester and Social Psychology this semester are good examples, the former leads me experience what research looks like and experienced seminar and long readings for a whole semester; the latter makes me a good writer for reading reports, and made me good friends.
II
Looking back, the three semesters I have been in Beida, the most valuable things I have learnt is the ability to think and analyse independently, and never be a simple minded follower of others simply because he/she is more prestigious/higher GPA. They can be stupid people, knowing how to get good marks but can be life-followers, following the wave blindly.
I am fortunate, that the various circles I have been in, all enable me growth in some extent. Pro-application era can be my "renaissance", making me knowing how large the world is, how tiny I am, and how much I do not yet know. Later NGO era should be my "enlightenment", providing me a different perspective of defining "success" and the meaning of life and living. Different from the former application circle friends, they tend to be more materialistic, and actually, slave of life. They go for iBank, consulting, those money-amass business, rather than getting down and thinking what they should do, though they say it clear in their applications they will contribute to China's development someday. However the NGO friends showed me the ideal perspective of life, and how one could
go without the penacles from society, and live in a way they wish to be.
I definitely look down upon the materialistic type person, and lean to the second type, though it's not likely for me to be a professional social worker someday, however recently I found within myself various hints of being materialistic. I read out of purpose, I evaluate everything taking effect as its indicator (though there might be no others beside this one). YT is right. I have the rush to do things all the time, and could hardly get down and think what is inside. Most of the time, I concentrate much on the appearence, then neglect what is inner. This is tragic, compared to who I was three years ago, back in high school, when I seek happiness in reading but not for obvious purpose of knowing some fancy knowledge and write it in proposals or applications or talk with others to show off. |
| | Posted 1/30/2008 4:23 AM - 53 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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